Date: Thu, 31 Jul 97 08:08:06 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #925-08

Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>                 Tomblin, Purdy, pir, Young, and Pederson
>                          System Administrators
>                        nospam@kill_the_spam.*com
>
> TO:                                   FROM:
> Internet Oracle                       alt.sysadmin.recovery and
>                                       alt.tech-support.recovery
>                                       contributors
> oracle@cs.indiana.edu                 news:alt.sysadmin.recovery
>                                       news:alt.tech-support.recovery
>
> Sir:
>
> It have come to our attention that you have been in possession of a
> restricted weapon of great LART potential.
>
> Use of Luser Attitude Readjustment Tools (LART's) have been
> restricted to charter posters of moderated Internet newsgroups
> alt.sysadmin.recovery, alt.tech-support.recovery and non-posting system
> administrators, news administrators, web(Internet) administrators,
> and technical support people by the Geneva convention of 1887.
>
> More over, usage of weapons in which chemical element "ZOT" is present,
> such as Staff of ZOT, ZOT Cannon, and Great LARTing ZOT Machine Gun,
> have been specifically restricted by international treaty of Zalzburg
> of 1982 of which State of Indiana is a signee. In chapter 7, paragraph
> 3, sub-paragraph C it is explicitly stated that:
>
>   "Usage of Staff of ZOT, or any modifications, such as Rapid Firing
>    Stuff of ZOT, or Shoulder Mounted Stuff of ZOT should be
>    administered only by qualified personnel and only onto Certified
>    Computer Lusers"
>
> In paragraph 2, subparagraph A of the 2nd Amendment it is stated that
> "qualified personnel" is:
>
>   "Any posters of moderated Internet newsgroups alt.sysadmin.recovery,
>    alt.tech-support.recovery and non-posting system administrators,
>    news administrators, web(Internet) administrators, and computer
>    technical support people are considered as the only personnel
>    qualified for handling any weapons of LART potential higher then 7
>    megaLARTs, including the LART's utilizing ZOT as an integral part
>    of their design".
>
> In accordance to the Zalzburg Treaty, the LART potential of Staff of
> ZOT exceeds the safe 7 megaLARTs, and is 9.5 megaLARTs
>
> We are charging Internet Oracle with the following offenses:
>
>   o  Usage of restricted LART
>
>   o  Usage of a LART with LART potential of 9.5 megaLARTs by personnel
>      that is not qualified to handle LART of such potency
>
>   o  Usage of LART which uses ZOT chemical element in it's integral
>      design on subjects that are not qualified as Certified Computer
>      Lusers, such as woodchucks, supplicants, and Zadoc.
>
> The above offenses are punished by repeated subjection to ZOT Cannon
> with LART potential of 12.3 megaLARTs for the duration of 10 LARTings,
> or to subjection to 5 !plonk!'s at the choice of the offender.
>
> We have taken into consideration your usage of Staff of ZOT on Bill
> Gates, and decided that a following amendment to the sentence would be
> in order:
>
>    Please cease usage of Staff of ZOT, and return it to armory of
>    alt.sysadmin.recovery or become a "qualified person" as stated in
>    paragraph 2, subparagraph A of the 2nd Amendment within 24 hours or
>    the above sentence will be carried out.
>
> Peter (pir) Radiclif, Head Administrator
> [Signed]
>
> Sean B. Purdy   Eric L. Pederson   Paul Tomblin   Alister J. R. Young
> [Signed]        [Signed]           [Signed]       [Signed]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sirs:
}
}       I draw your attention to paragraph 2, subparagraph A of the 2nd
} Amendment:  "....and computer technical support people are considered as
} the only personnel qualified for handling any weapons of LART ..."  I
} also wish to point out the definition of "computer technical support
} people"  as defined by The Bylaws of The Committee for Preserving the
} Sanity Of Help Line Staffers (CoPSOHLS):
}
} "A computer technical support person is anyone who fields insipid
} computer related questions from the generally clueless in the course of
} their regular work day.  This may include, but is not limited to, help
} line staffers, your brother-in-law, the grad student unlucky enough to
} be in the computer lab right now, and the guy in the office who bothered
} to take five minutes to learn the stupid machine.  Insipid questions may
} include, but are not limited to, "How do I exit Windows?",  "Should I
} save this report?",  "How do I print this?", and "I just formatted my C:
} drive, and I had no backup copies.  Is this bad?"
}
} Now, if you realize that many of my incarnations are at work, and that
} the vast majority of the questions I receive are insipid, (" HEY D00D,
} WHERE CAN I GET GIFS OF N00D ASIAN CHICKS?????" and ASCII pictures of
} cows) you should realize that I am quite qualified for handling said
} LART weapons.
}
} Thank you,
} T. I. Oracle