From: "Michael Blumenthal" <mblument@lante.com>
To: Tony Stuckey <stuckey@jaka.ece.uiuc.edu>, kender@jaka.ece.uiuc.edu,
        roth@uiuc.edu, Michael.Pereckas@mixcom.com
Message-ID: <86256608.00533502.00@mailex.lante.com>
Date: Mon, 18 May 1998 10:12:29 -0500
Subject: joke...
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This has of course been forwarded several times.  You have probably seen it
already, but what the heck....

>X-Mailer: Windows Eudora Pro Version 3.0 (32)
>Date: Fri, 15 May 1998 15:11:02 -0700
>From: -=jack=- <hart@optivision.com>
>Subject: har har
>
>MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE AT SECRET HANFORD FACILITY
>
>REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft
>Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in
>eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622
GMT/12:22
>pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the
US
>Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.
>
>"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and
all
>necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm
>anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the
>computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."
>
>Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped
my
>latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington
>geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt.
Rainier,
>and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."
>
>In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would boycott
all
>Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his
>decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work,"
said
>the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of
>"constructive engagement" with Microsoft.
>
>Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test
justified
>Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the
US
>Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade
>plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to
>dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob."  Myrhvold warned
users
>not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can
>neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric
>generator inside of every Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but
>anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet
is
>going to get what they deserve." (see financial news: MSFT up 73pts)
>
>The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would explain
why
>the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel
>chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof.
E.
>E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold
>fusion."
>
>Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in
California,
>headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the
>development work in Java," said one source close to the project.  The
>development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress.
"Write
>once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."
>
>Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was
rumored
>to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's
>Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the
Valley
>has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be
around
>when they drop that product a second time."
>
>
--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--
pure chewing satisfaction                                  brian@apache.org
                                                        brian@hyperreal.org