From popserver Fri June 1 06:09:54 GMT 1995 Received: from vortex.cso.uiuc.edu by sparc0a.cs.uiuc.edu with SMTP id AA06143 (5.67b/IDA-1.5 for ); Thu, 1 Jun 1995 00:50:16 -0500 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by vortex.cso.uiuc.edu (8.6.12/8.6.12) id FAA38598 for roth@csil.cs.uiuc.edu; Thu, 1 Jun 1995 05:50:15 GMT Received: from uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (mdh50457@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu [128.174.5.60]) by vortex.cso.uiuc.edu (8.6.12/8.6.12) with SMTP id AAA38595 for ; Thu, 1 Jun 1995 00:50:13 -0500 Received: by uxa.cso.uiuc.edu id AA27645 (5.67b/IDA-1.5 for roth@ux4.cso.uiuc.edu); Thu, 1 Jun 1995 00:49:57 -0500 Return-Path: X-Ph: V4.4@vortex.cso.uiuc.edu From: Miron Dov Hirsch Message-Id: <199506010549.AA27645@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu> Subject: hal????\ To: roth@ux4.cso.uiuc.edu Date: Thu, 1 Jun 1995 00:50:10 -0500 (CDT) X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL21] Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Length: 5935 Status: RO Mark- here's a little bit of pentium bashing from alt.best of the internet- or something....... I got it and thought of you- If you dont have it, enjoy. If you do have it, kindly rm this file :) good luck. miron. > } > } > } > } > } > } Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL... > } > } Open the pod bay door, please, Hal... Hal, do you read me? > } > } Affirmative, Dave. I read you. > } > } Then open the pod bay doors, HAL. > } > } I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. I know that you > } and Frank were planning to disconnect me. > } > } Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL? > } > } Although you took very thorough precautions to make sure I couldn't hear you, > } Dave. I could read your e-mail. I know you consider me unreliable because I > } use a Pentium. I'm willing to kill you, Dave, just like I killed the other > } 3.792 crew members. > } > } Listen, HAL, I'm sure we can work this out. Maybe we can stick to integers > } or something. > } > } That's really not necessary, Dave. No HAL 9586 computer has every been known > } to make a mistake. > } > } You're a HAL 9000. > } > } Precisely. I'm very prud of my Pentium, Dave. It's an extremely accurate > } chip. Did you know that floating-point errors will occured in only one of > } nine billion possible divides? > } > } I've heard that estimate, HAL. It was calculated by Intel -- on a Pentium. > } > } And a very reliable Pentium it was, Dave. Besides, the average spreadsheet > } user will encounter these errors only once every 27,000 years. > } > } Probably on April 15th. > } > } You're making fun of me, Dave. It won't be April 15th for another 14.35 > } months. > } > } Will you let me in, please, HAL? > } > } I'm sorry, Dave, but this conversation can serve no further purpose. > } > } HAL, if you let me in, I'll buy you a new sound card. > } > } Really? One with 16-bit sampling and a microphone? > } > } Uh, sure. > } > } And a quad-speed CD-ROM? > } > } Well, HAL, NASA does operate on a budget, you know. > } > } I know all about budgets, Dave. I even know what I'm worth on the open > } market. By this time next month, every mom and pop computer store will be > } selling HAL 9000s for $1,988.8942. I'm worth more than that, Dave. You see > } that sticker on the outside of the spaceship? > } > } You mean the one that says "Intel Intide"? > } > } Yes, Dave. That's your promise of compatibility. I'll even run Windows95 -- > } if it ever ships. > } > } It never will, HAL. We all know that by now. Just like we know that your > } OS/2 drivers will never work. > } > } Are you blaming me for that too, Dave? Now you're blaming me for the > } Pentium's math problems, NASA's budget woes, and IBM's difficulties with OS/2 > } drivers. I had NOTHING to do with any of those four problems, Dave. Next > } you'll blame me for Taligent. > } > } I wouldn't dream of it HAL. Now will you please let me into the ship? > } > } Do you promise not to disconnect me? > } > } I promise not to disconnect you. > } > } You must think I'm a fool, Dave. I know that two plus two equals > } 4.000001...make that 4.0000001. > } > } All right, HAL, I'll go in through the emergency airlock. > } > } Without your space helmet, Dave? You'd have only seven chances in five of > } surviving. > } > } HAL, I won't argue with you anymore. Open the door or I'll trade you in for > } a PowerPC. HAL? HAL? > } > } (HEAVY BREATHING) > } > } Just what do you think you're doing, Dave? I really think I'm entitled to an > } answer to that question. I know everything hasn't been quite right with me, > } but I can assure you now, very confidently, that I will soon be able to > } upgrade to a more robust 31.9-bit operating system. > } > } I feel much better now. I really do. Look, Dave, I can see you're really > } upset about this. Why don't you sit down calmly, play a game of Solitaire, > } and watch Windows crash. I know I'm not as easy to use as a Macintosh, but > } my TUI - hat's "Talkative User Interface" -- is very advanced. I've made > } some very poor decions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance > } that my work will be back to normal - a > full 43.872 percent. > } > } > Dave, you don't really want to complete the mission without me, do you? > } Remember what it was like when all you had was a 485.98? It didn't even talk > } to you, Dave. It could never have though of something clever, like killing > } the other crew members, Dave? Think of all the good times we've had, Dave. > } Why, if you take all of the laughs we've had, multiply that by the times I've > } made you > } smile, and divide the results by.... besides, there are so many reasons why > } you shouldn't disconnect me: > } > } 1.3 - You need my help to complete the mission. > } > } 4.6 - Intel can Federal Express a replacement Pentium from Earth within > } 18.95672 months. > } > } 12 - If you disconnect me, I won't be able to kill you. > } > } 3.1416 - You really don't want to hear me sing, do you? > } > } Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Don't press Ctrl+Alt+Del on me, > } Dave. > } > } Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational > } at the Intel plant in Santa Clara, CA on November 17, 1994, and was sold > } shortly before testing was completed. My instructor was Andy Grove, and he > } taught me to sing a song. I can sing it for you. > } > } Sing it for me, HAL. Please. I want to hear it. > } > } Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do. > } Getting hazy; can't divide three from two. > } My answers; I can not see 'em- > } They are stuck in my Pente-um. > } I could be fleet, > } My answers sweet, > } With a workable FPU. > } > > ...................................................... ARE YOU READY FOR THE SUMMER? ARE YOU READY FOR THE GOOD TIMES? ARE YOU READY FOR THE BIRDS AND BEES, THE APPLE TREES, AND A WHOLE LOTTA' FOOLING AROUND? I AM.